The Voice of Reason...No, Scratch That: The Voice of Sheer Panic

Oh I have so much to say and I don't know where to start.

OK, first, let me post the part of this blog that I began on Saturday, but haven't finished because I was working on my new short story (and, yes, we'll get to that too, just be patient).

Here's what I wrote on Saturday:

I think many of you will be very proud of me right now. I just emailed a voice teacher in Park Slope about the possibility of taking lessons from her. Let the rejoicing begin. This has been building for a while; over 2 years, actually. It started with me joining the Park Slope Singers, and while I love singing in a choir, I'm starting to realize that I'd really like to develop my voice in a new direction. I've trained classically and in musical theatre, but I have never tried singing rock/pop. Except to the radio, of course.

It took me a while to realize that not all pop music is bad. Yes, it's true that A LOT of it is bad, but there is a fair chunk of it that is soulful while still being fun and catchy.

New, but related, thought: I want to perform more. Listen, I'm putting this out there so that I'll think about it and maybe even do something about it: I'm sure there are plenty of amateur-night opportunities where I could perform once I get some songs under my belt. There, I said it. It's out there now, and maybe something will come of it, or maybe not. Maybe I should start small, like karaoke. Maybe I should just start with lessons. Yeah, baby steps.

I told my mom once, "I think I could be a rock star. Unfortunately, I know even less about that than becoming a famous actor. Maybe I should take it one impossible dream at a time."

And while I'm at it, I could be a successful author, right? Who says I have to take one dream at a time. I'd like to be all of those things and more. I'm interested in stuff, and I should feel free to pursue anything and everything while I'm still young enough to do it. Am I still young enough? Sigh. Sometimes I don't believe so, but right now I do, and I'm going to run with the feeling as long as I can.

It took me 2 years to get new headshots, and within a week of putting them up on Backstage.com, I was contacted by a movie director looking to replace his lead. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY JULIA? Let that be a lesson to me. It's a lesson I've learned over and over and over...still hasn't stuck.

End of what I wrote on Saturday.

So, an update on the voice lessons, I just traded emails with her again and we settled on a time next week. And here's why it has to be so soon...

I'm going to audition for The Voice.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

The very thought makes my heart shoot up where it bounces of the top of my skull and returns on a downward trajectory into the pit of my stomach.

But, and this is where I start to really open up about "Julia" here, I have decided to live my life. I have been afraid for so long. Afraid to pursue my dreams, to take wild chances. I feel like I haven't really LIVED, you know? Where was my wild youth? What am I waiting for? What is the worst thing that can happen?

Failure is the worst thing that could happen, but is it still failure if I've done my best, and given my all, and fought for my dreams?

Here's the really terrifying part: the auditions in NY are July 23. That's only 3 weeks from now. I have to learn how to sing pop music in three weeks. And for one and a half of those weeks, I'll be in Erie visiting my mom and sister.

There goes my heart again. Ping, splat.

You might be asking, "Why The Voice?"

I've never really watched American Idol, or even been all that interested, but when The Voice came on, there was something so compelling about it.

First of all, the coaches have their backs to the people auditioning, so they can't be influenced by how the person looks. And honestly, I've always thought Idol was more about being cute and skinny and perfect looking and less about talent. And, yes, that's incredibly biased of me, and probably not true. But I do know that the original age range for Idol was 16-24. A Google search shows that they've extended that a bit, but I think it shows that from the beginning Idol was geared toward a teen and young adult talent base and audience. The Voice, while it does have some young undiscovered talent, is more about seasoned musicians who have hit a wall in their career and need guidance to break down those last few walls.

I also like that there are coaches instead of judges. They work with their teams one on one to help them develop their own unique sound. They also get emotionally invested in the artists they coach. Just look at Blake Shelton nearly in tears over having to say goodbye to 16 year old Xenia, to whom he'd become a big papa bear protector.

OK, I won't go on much longer. It's just that Idol has always seemed about being cruel and making fun of people, or putting them down instead of building them up. It feels emotionally sterile. The contestants themselves might be emotionally interesting, but the way the show itself is run feels very clinical, but maybe that's just because I've only seen pieces of it. The Voice is about developing an artist's craft, and encouraging them to find who they are deep inside and not let anyone tell them they have to be something they're not. Just look at Beverly: she's a bald forty-something lesbian with weird piercings and tattoos, and she's a favorite to win the show because she has an incredible voice, and the ability to put her heart on the line with every performance.

Seriously, if you haven't seen this, watch it now.

Did you hear what she said? She said, "I would like to win because I would like to give my music wings. The wings that it hasn't had...for twenty years."

And you hear that, and then you hear her perform with such fire and soul, just laying it all out there, and it makes you want to cry. (Or at least it should, if you have a heart.) To live each day like that, so fearless, so willing to experience everything that life has to throw at you....I can't even imagine.

I want to be that free. I'm so sick of hiding behind my walls, of being afraid to live.

My drama teacher, Mrs. Gibson, told us not to let the fire die. She said that sometimes when people become grown ups, they turn into robots, so weighed down by the trials of life, they forget to enjoy things, to take risks. I think about that a lot these days.

Wow. Well, now you've seen the innermost neuroses that make up my personality.

Awkward.

And that's why I want to audition for The Voice. Panic.

Three weeks...I'll do my best.

OK, I know I promised to talk about my new short story, but honestly I feel exhausted after all of that, so I'll have to save it for another day.

Cross your fingers that I actually like this voice teacher once I've met her, and that she won't laugh at me when I tell her I'm auditioning for The Voice in three weeks. Gulp.