This whole "can't sleep so I get up and write a monologue instead" thing is sort of getting old.
Not that I don't want the muse to visit me because I do think this is another great one which I will perform next season, but why couldn't I have written it at, oh say, 5 PM instead of 5 AM.
Yes, 5 AM.
OK, granted I was watching The Big Bang Theory until 3:30 AM, but then I was trying to sleep. My brain wouldn't turn off. It just kept mulling ideas over no matter how often I shouted, "SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP." Eventually, I hit upon the idea for this monologue and started composing it in my head.
I stopped for a moment. "You'll never remember this in the morning," I thought ruefully. With a sigh, I sat up, hit my light, and opened my computer.
Now, I debated posting this because so much of it's humor depends on how it is performed. In fact, I think the actual monologue itself doesn't really have all that many jokes, it's more the character of the monologue which is funny. Well, I think it's funny, anyway.
I tried to give as much description as possible as to how it would be performed, but well...you'll see. I have also capitalized words to indicate emphasis.
Anyway, here it is.
"Crazy Feet: A Brilliant Performance"
By: Julia
(An actress, she speaks very slowly and clearly with strange emphasis and awkward intonations.)
Hi, my name is Julia, and I am going to do a…uh…Monologue, for you. Right now.
(She prepares in the cliched actor way, head down hand moving in front of the face like some sort of weird prayer gesture. She looks up, having been interrupted.)
Wha-? Oh what’s that? What is the Name of my Monologue? The Name of the monologue is “Crazy Feet”. Which, by the way, will be a lot more hilarious after you’ve seen it. In fact, I think if we all take a moment to just Meditate on the title “Crazy” “Feet” (laugh snorts) I mean, it’s just…it’s brilliant! Because ‘crazy feet’ is an amusing Theme of the Monologue “Crazy Feet”. (She smiles at them, sees that they are not joining the joke and deflates.)
Um…OK*, I’m going to start now.
(Prepares again, looks up and tries to start, but catches the eye of her audience and needs to start again. She prepares again, trying to calm herself, looks up and begins) “My feet” …uh… (she trails off looking like a deer in the headlights)
Golly this was easier in my apartment. See in my apartment there are no actual People watching me perform my Monologue. There are stuffed animals though. (Visualizes the animals as though there were hordes of them closing in on her) Lots and lots of stuffed animals. And dolls. See I put them on my bed, all lined up like a little audience of woodland creatures and…and…short people. And they watch me perform “Crazy Feet”. And no matter how much I suck, they just keep Smiling their little Frozen Fmiles. Frozen, Non-Judgmental smiles.
Sometimes, though their staring does get a little intense, so I turn them around and make them face the wall, and I don’t feel so….Watched. You know?
In fact, it would really help me if you would all just turn around and face the wall while I do my monologue “Crazy Feet”. (tries to laugh as though this were a reasonable request, but catches the expression of the auditioners.)
I’m not going to get the part, am I?
*(only Elizabeth will get this, but that OK is along the lines of "Oh good" in the style of Johnny Depp as Ed Wood)
