Time and Doubt

Oh time. TIME! Why is there never enough time?! Who's idea was it to have days be a measly 24 hours, half of which we ought to spend asleep (well, ok, not half, but darn near, and I swear, if I don't get the requisite 9 hours I am likely to be cranky, and I usually get more like 6, which, as an upside-down 9 is not really conducive to Happy-Julia, and could this sentence BE any longer?)?

It is now time for me to be in bed. Asleep. Note, that the time that shows up on these posts is actually the time I STARTED writing, not when it is actually posted. Which means, it is at least an hour after the time you see at the bottom that I finished writing. At least an hour. Often times longer.

And yet, now is the time that my mind wants me to write. I was prepared to go blissfully to bed, but NO! Blog now, my brain commands, and goodness help me if I don't obey; I would NEVER get to sleep.

Okay, okay, this was supposed to be about my revelations.

See, I'm used to being that person that people call when they have problems and they want to talk about them, and I try to offer advice and comforting words, and be generally supportive, and that's fine. I mean, I like that I can be that person, and even though it pains me when the people I love are in pain, I still want to know about it and try to help if I can. What I didn't realize was that I could demand reciprocation. Well, 'demand' isn't quite the word we're looking for, but you get the idea. I always thought, "I don't want to burden them with my troubles, so I'll just not talk to anyone until they go away."

That's stupid.

I realize that now, but it has been a long journey to this realization, and something that I still struggle with.

Just a few months ago, I was worrying about my life in general, because a friend of mine decided that trying to be an actor in NYC was too hard right now, so she moved back home and is going back to school. A valid choice, to be sure, and one that I hope she will be successful and happy with, but it brought up some interesting questions for me. This particular friend is very talented (I want to say more talented than I, but I'm trying to resist those thoughts because they aren't true. She and I are on very even footing, having had about the same amount of training. She has a few strengths where I have weaknesses, and I have some strengths where she has weaknesses, so we're pretty even. It's something we discussed a few times, and were in agreement. Anyway, that is so not the point of this...) and she's slightly better motivated than I am. I mean, I'm motivated, but she's more willing to put herself out there, take a few more chances. I really just need to take a few more chances. In fact, a LOT of chances. And big ones. If I fail, I should fail bigger and better than anyone else, and then pick myself up, dust myself up, and prepare for another flying leap, because that's the only way you get anywhere in this world. WHAT ARE WE ALL SO AFRAID OF? So what if I don't get such and such part? Just audition anyway, and eventually someone somewhere will realize that I'm right for something, and then something else and then something else until pretty soon I have a career, and I'll look back and think how foolish I was for being so AFRAID of everything.

Whooo! That felt great.

Anyway, I was sort of thinking, "gee, if she's giving up, then what am I still doing here?" And then, instead of moping and fretting for days and days, losing sleep, and generally being a big dope, I called my Mom and discussed my fears.

Relief.

Isn't it amazing how moms can just say a few words and you suddenly feel better? Where do they learn to do that? Is there a special Mom School that I don't know about? Very hush hush?

And that's all it took. One phone call, and I felt 90% better. Now, of course, not everything can be solved just like that. We all have doubts and little niggling negative thoughts that cloud up our brain, but the key is to keep them locked away in a tiny storage unit in your mind. When they slip their ropes and pick the lock (as they will) you can let them run around for a little while (they really just want to remind you that they're there) but then you have to round them up again, tie them down with a few new knots, and stick a shiny new lock on their cage. That way all they can do is shout at you through the cracks, which have been muffled with big thick blankets, so they're easy to ignore.

GAH! It's 1:00am, and I have to work tomorrow! Early! Well, early by my standards.

This is sort of rambling without a conclusion. The academic perfectionist in me demands coherence!

But I'll have to stuff him (why is the academic perfectionist a him? I don't know. He sounds a bit like Wesley from Buffy, though...) in with the doubts where I'm sure they'll have much to talk about in the way of my failures as a person.

Good night,
Jules

PS- I do not know a 'patrick' so don't get all excited. It is possible that random people stumble across my blog, in which case: Hello Random Person! I clicked on his profile, though, and it seems that he reviews movies on his blog. Interesting. He even has a review of 1776 on the 4th of July, which is my favorite musical of all time! Squeal! Anyone who hasn't seen it should rent it now. NOW!