Re: Silence

Wrote this a while back, finally decided to post it.  I think it's amusing on it's own, but I was considering making it a series where the Brain replies, and they go back and forth with ever increasing passive aggressive politeness.  We'll see if I feel motivated.

Dear Brain,

 

            First, let me say that I really appreciate much of the work you are doing.  The way you regulate my heartbeat, and continue to push air in and out of my lungs without my having to think about it consciously is really top notch.  The Memory Department could maybe be a bit more careful with where and how they store important files, and the shortage of serotonin has not gone unnoticed, but overall I would say I am satisfied with performance across the board.

            With that being said, I would like to bring the issue of the hours between 2AM and 6AM to your attention.  For some reason these hours are being used as a time for departments to air grievances, give status reports, and generally just be as loud as possible.  As I’m sure you are aware, these hours have already been blocked off for use by the Sleep Department, and with everyone else clamoring for my attention, it is making it rather difficult for the Sleep Department to get anything done.

            I would appreciate it if you could remind your staff that those hours require strict silence, and, in particular, ask the Creativity and Motivation departments to remember that they do not need to whisper story ideas (including, but not limited to: dialogue, plot, and character development) at me until I am forced to write them down.

            Also, please tell the Regrets and Embarrassments Department that they have been allotted the hours between 12AM and 2AM in which they may replay as many instances of Here’s What I Should Have Said and Oh God, They Must Think I’m An Idiot.  Far too often, they have been running over, and I would like you to remind them that they are not permitted to apply for overtime.  If they are unable to accomplish their work in the time provided, I am going to have to seriously consider doing away with the department entirely.

            Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to these pressing issues.  The Sleep Department and I are looking forward to building a more harmonious work environment in the future.

 

Sincerely,

Julia