The Terrifying Tale of the Pig-Faced Sniffer Lady

Before I begin my tale, a little house-cleaning:
Yes, Jenna, I will get around to answering your questions. But that is a day for another long post, and as I've just written a very long post, it will have to wait for another day.

The following tale is true. The only bits that were dramatized were the bits about "Deanna" and "Justine"'s reactions (sort of) and the weather. There wasn't really a storm that day. The rest of it is absolutely true, except that it is pieced together from several separate occasions; not everything in this story happened all in the same visit.

Names have been changed to protect the frightened.

The Terrifying Tale of the Pig-Faced Sniffer Lady
(Based on real events)

Justine shivered.

"What was that?" her boss, Deanna, asked.

"I don't know," said Justine, "I just got the chills all of a sudden."

It had been a slow day at the store, Olaf, where they were working together.

"You ever get the feeling something weird is about to happen?" asked Justine, peering out the large front window at the people scurrying past in the deluge of rain. Their faces were largely obscured by bulky umbrellas and the sheer amount of water pouring from the sky, but were occasionally lit up by great flashes of lightning.

Deanna considered this carefully.

"There is strangeness about this day," she agreed, also watching the storm which raged outside.

"I don't like it," Justine said firmly, as though announcing her displeasure would somehow change the course of events.

She could not know what was coming next.

Justine and Deanna were engaged in folding and straightening, when suddenly, the door opened.

In the same instant, a bolt of lightning and crack of thunder left them both momentarily blind and deaf, so they failed to see the face of the person who had just entered the store.

"Hello?" Deanna called out in an approximation of her cheerful greeting.

"Hi," said the woman, her voice high and nasal.

Justine was blinking rapidly, trying to clear the spots from her vision.

At last, the woman came into focus, and Justine wished she were blind again.

She was reminded, forcibly, of an episode of the Twilight Zone she had once watched as a child. It was the episode where a woman was getting cosmetic surgery because she believed she was ugly. When at last they remove the bandages, the woman is revealed to be quite beautiful, and the audience is led to believe that the surgery has worked. But when the woman looks into a mirror and is horrified by what she sees, it is only then that the doctors' faces are revealed. They are Pig People. It is an entire world of people with pig snouts for noses, and the woman is the only normal looking person, which, of course makes her abnormal, and therefore ugly by Pig People's standards.

That woman, the one who just entered the store, looked like one of the Pig People.

Justine bit back a scream, and exchanged looks with Deanna, who also looked like she was trying not to scream.

Pig-Face seemed not to notice their discomfort. She strode (and by strode, I mean "moved in a way reminiscent of Miss Piggy, who is a puppet, so how is that even possible-and oh God this is horrifying") over to a table which displayed gloves and scarves and other items of that nature. She picked up a scarf. Time slowed to a crawl as Justine and Deanna watched in horror. The scarf was lifted toward Pig-Face's pig nose, inch by inch, until it was smashed up against that nose, crushed to it. And then she inhaled. Long and deep she sniffed the scarf, until it was as if the scarf and the sniff had become one. She snarfled it.

Time resumed it's normal pace as the scarf was discarded. Next, Pig-Face picked up a wool hat. It, too, was squashed against the pig nose as though the sniffing were creating some sort of vacuum. The wool hat's smell was deemed unworthy, and it was cast aside. Next, she picked up a pair of leather gloves. Once again, they were presented to the pig nose for inspection. They were sniffed. Again. And again. Pig-Face next tried to separate the pair, pulling them violently apart. But the string which connected them would not break. She raised the offending string to her mouth, teeth bared in anticipation...

"NO!" Deanna shouted, taking a step forward. It was only then that Justine realized the two of them had been frozen in terror. Pig-Face looked up and Deanna quailed under that squinty gaze. "I'll..." she said, moving forward in a shuffling manner, as though her legs were still half frozen. "I'll cut them for you!" she finished triumphantly. Amazed by her own quick-thinking, Deanna scurried behind the counter to grab the scissors. With the thread cut, Pig-Face sniffed each glove individually before tossing them casually aside.

She continued in this manner around the store, sniffing anything and everything she could get her hands on. She came to the next table, further in the store, upon which several cashmere sweaters were sitting, perfectly unaware of the assault which awaited them. She picked up the first one she came to, sniffed. Sniffed it again. Rubbed her snout against the soft fabric and sniffed again. Seemingly satisfied, she brought the sweater up to the register. Expecting her to ask about the size or price of the sweater, Justine was surprised when Pig-Face threw it upon the counter, opened her purse and removed her wallet. She sniffed her credit card before handing it to Justine, then sniffed her wallet while Justine processed the purchase. Deanna wrapped the sweater in tissue and put it in a shopping bag. Pig-Face sniffed her purse.

She walked her Miss Piggy walk toward the door, periodically picking things up to sniff them as she went. At last, she went out into the storm, disappearing just as mysteriously as she had appeared.

Deanna and Justine were silent for a long time.

"Did she even look at the size of that sweater?" Deanna asked in a hoarse whisper.

"No," Justine answered, just as quietly. There was another long silence.

"Deanna?"

"Yes?"

"Nobody will ever believe us, will they?"

Deanna shook her head slowly, staring out into the storm. "No," she said softly. "No they won't."

The End

Here's the Twilight Zone mentioned in the story, in case you're interested.

Of course, now I'm watching this and thinking about the message behind this episode, and I feel like a piece of shit. I know this woman will never read this, but I feel bad for making fun of her. Actually, I kind of felt bad while I was writing it. I kept thinking "is it worth the laughs I'll get?" and I really fought with myself over whether or not to post it. She can't help what she looks like. On the other hand, WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO SNIFF EVERYTHING? Also, I have seen her in the store with her perfectly normal-looking husband and two friends, and they all seemed quite wealthy and happy so...what do I know? I know that another girl who works at the store saw Pig-Face pick up a piece of trash off the street, sniff it, and throw it back on the ground. I wish I were joking.

I guess I'll never know her story.

Also, one time I giggled and asked why my grandfather's hands shook like that, and my mom said I shouldn't make fun because someday my hands might shake like that and I wouldn't like it if someone made fun of me. At the time, I thought she meant that if I made fun of him, my hands would start to shake as a sort of karmic punishment. I realize now that that's not what she meant, but part of me still kinda believes it. Part of me still believes that if I make fun of Pig-Face, then I will have a Pig-Face too.

Oh well. I was probably going straight to Hell anyway.